Love Confessed Page 6
Now though, it is I who am silent. Steve’s wife had passed? Wow. That caught me off guard. I don’t have any more time to devote to this train of thought though because our meeting is ending and goodbyes must be said. I hug Mrs. Withers, truly grateful that my son has such a kind, caring teacher, then head to the playground to get Ethan.
I’ve been pretty upset by this whole ordeal because I’ve been trying really hard to be both parents since Joseph lives in so far away; yet somehow, I still feel like I’m failing my son. This isn’t usually like him. He’s actually a really sweet boy so this behavior has me thinking that he needs his dad more than I realized. It may be time to concede that I can’t do it all by myself like I thought I could, something I desperately hate to admit. I make a mental reminder to call Joseph as soon as I can to let him know that his son needs to come spend some time with him this summer. He needs do boy things, and he needs to do them with his father. The nightly video chats are no longer cutting it. He needs a full time father and the real father-son relationship that comes with it.
We make it through the conference and the kids, who have already started playing together outside, come in and apologize to one another. I think we got to the root of the problem as well. As they mature, it seems the lack of presence of a parent of their own gender is felt more severely. As much as I try to be both mom and dad, Ethan is getting old enough that he needs more. More from me and more from Joseph. The fact that he doesn’t have a dad here to do the father-son things like all of the other boys affects him more now that he is old enough to wish that he did have that sort of relationship. It appears Abby is going through the same thing so she was the easiest target for Ethan, who didn’t know any better avenue to channel his hurt. By the time Steve and I walk silently to the playground to gather our children, it appears that they are now best friends.
Oh to be six again. The look on Steve’s face throughout the meeting tells me it would take a whole lot more work for him to like me again. I thought I didn’t care but again, I’m saddened. The way he is looking at me has me feeling like I disappointed him and I am desperate to fix it. I don’t really know him, and I really can’t figure out why I am so bothered. I can’t figure out how I’m able to feel his anger, his disappointment, his whatever else it is while I’m trying my hardest to focus all of my attention onto the very important conversation I just had about the most important person in my life.
When we reach the playground, Abby’s face lights up. Recognizing me from the times I’ve volunteered in the class room, runs up and throws her arms around my waist.
“Miss Collins!!! I missed you!!!” she exclaims as she squeezes me.
“I missed you too, Abby! Sorry I haven’t been in the classroom lately. How are you doing? How is Sparkles? She’s such a pretty horse. I loved that picture you painted of her the last time I was here for the day.”
At this point, I’m kneeling on the grass speaking to her at her level, having a new understanding of how important it is for her to get attention from a woman. I imagine she is as affected by the lack of a mother as Ethan is by his lack of a present father. We have a quick chat, and as I get up and brush the grass off of my knees, Ethan tugs on my arm,
“Mom, I’m soooo hungry. Please can we go eat pizza across the street, please? I’m starving.”
“Oooh, I’m hungry too!” Abby nearly shouts. “Dad, can we go with them?” She asks, jumping up and down. I laugh at the way she pulls on his arm while she bats her eyelashes at him. She’s a daddy’s girl through and through, she’s got him wrapped around her little finger, and I can see why. She really is a doll. I’ve loved the interactions I’ve had with her in the classroom. I’ve always thought she was adorable. Beautiful, actually. Like one of those perfect little J Crew child models, if only her father would learn to dress her like that.
Maybe, if he ever speaks to me again, I can help him pick out some clothes that a six year old girl would like. I thought the moms I’d heard complaining about how their husbands dressing their daughters like orphans was just dramatic housewife talk. Now I see that maybe there’s some truth to it. Poor dads. I’d also always appreciated the way she clung to me like a sponge when I was there – it made me feel special and I’d always tried to give her a little extra attention, able to see that she clearly needed it. Now, her closeness to me those few interactions makes all the sense in the world.
Looking back, I can’t believe I never noticed her name, or seen the resemblance. Seeing them stand next to each other you can see she’s his daughter in every way except her eyes. She must have her mother’s hazel eyes and if that’s any indication of what her mom looked like, I can only guess she was gorgeous as well. I just found out in the meeting that she’s not around because she passed away giving birth to Abby. Learning that makes me want to hug Abby, to tell her I know how she feels not having a mom around. It also makes me want to hug Steve. The way he looks at Abby, there’s no doubt that she’s his entire world. And the look in her eyes shows exactly what a great dad he is.
“Leah?”
Steve snaps me out of my reverie and I look at three expectant faces awaiting my answer to a pizza date. The pizza date from hell! But I’ll have to face him sooner or later so I may as well get it over with.
6 Steve
I’m not going to lie. I was in a dangerous protective daddy bear mode when I stuffed myself into that tiny blue desk. I was ready to fight it out for my daughter. I looked up to the opening door ready to be a very bad example in problem solving for my Abby, already working out my apology to her for my poor behavior. But then Leah walked in. I was so…confused. She has a son? A son who was mean to my daughter? Wait, our kids have been in the same class all year?! How the hell did I not know any of this?? Why the fuck didn’t she email me back? I can’t remember ever feeling this confused and angry over a woman before.
The meeting is surprisingly helpful. I think Abby needs more “girl time” with my mom and her reaction makes me worry about how to do this without Janie. While Abby’s teacher was genuinely supportive and encouraging, the older my daughter gets the more I worry that she will need things I can’t give to her. I try my hardest to explain “girl” things the way that Janie would have but I grew up on a farm with brothers so it’s definitely far from natural for me. I try though. One of her school friends was talking about getting a pedicure with her mom and Abby sounded jealous so I took her one weekend and we got them. Man that was weird, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it. Abby loved it, she giggled the whole time, even having to bend over and hold her belly laughing while I apologized profusely to the poor woman I almost kicked in the face because she tickled my foot. I think that she needs more of those kinds of things now that she’s getting older. Things I’ll have to learn to do but I don’t know how and I’m honestly scared to even approach them. How do I teach her to put makeup on? What do I say about periods? About, God forbid, sex?! Well. That’s an easy one though. She can’t date until she’s 35.
I need a beer.
Beer is likely the only possible redeeming value of this pizza date the kids insisted on. I’m excited about Abby hanging out with a friend but I could do without an awkward lunch with Leah. I’m not particularly happy about the arrangement either but Jesus, why is she leaving us here hanging while she’s in some sort of a daydream.
“Leah?”
She snaps out of her daze and looks at the three of us, standing and staring while we wait for her answer about lunch.
“Pizza sounds like a great idea, I’m starving!” Leah says as she grabs the kid’s hands and crosses the street. Abby is shy around people she doesn’t know but she doesn’t seem to be with Leah. She and Ethan grab Leah’s hands at the same time and Abby immediately starts chatting Leah’s ear off about her horse at the farm.
The meeting went well but it didn’t make me any less agitated. I know that it should have, but I couldn’t get past the fact that Leah was sitting next to me. Why the hell did she run and hide
? I had fun. I very vividly remember that she did too. But it felt like more than that. I held her and felt, well, I felt something I can’t explain. Something that I can’t have been the only one to feel.
We get sat right away because it’s 430 in the afternoon and almost immediately the kids’ conversation about horses has turned into Abby inviting Leah and Ethan to the farm this summer. God, I love my daughter more than life itself but when exactly do children develop any sort of filter?! I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this lunch without asking Leah what happened, and I definitely am not ready to make plans to see her again. I especially am not ready to see her at my parent’s home.
As we wait for the waitress to come over and take our order, I’m only half paying attention to the conversation Leah and the kids are having. Apparently Leah used to own a horse named Buttercup and rode her for competitions. I can’t believe this woman. She’s sitting here, talking to my daughter, and treating me like last week never happened. Well, more like avoiding me but still acting like this isn’t the weirdest lunch date either of us have ever been on. She is all I could think about all week and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because I’ve never had a woman run off on me. Usually, they want to hang around or try to make more of our hook-up, but not with Leah and being on the opposite side of the situation has me losing my mind.
“Hi, my name is Megan and I’ll be your waitress today. Can I get you started with something to drink or are you ready to order?”
The arrival of our waitress startles me and I pull myself from my thoughts to place our order. I order a beer because I really need to relax and both kids order milk. Leah seems to be lost in her own thoughts and is only brought back to us when our waitress asks
“Would you like the same as your husband ma’am?”
“Huh…What? Oh umm…he’s not my husband and yes I’ll have the same. Thank
you,” she replies and the waitress nods, bored, and walks away. The kids immediately start shouting and begging to go play video games in the small arcade section that’s right across from us.
“Ok that’s fine, but only until the pizza gets here.”
I barely finish my sentence before the kids grab the $5 I’m holding out to them and take off. Leah and I sit in an uncomfortable silence for about two minutes before she starts making small talk, asking about work and Abby.
“Why did you leave?” I blurt out before I can stop myself. Her eyes go wide with surprise and I notice for the first time today how clear blue they are. She looks beautiful. She’s wearing jeans and tight pink shirt that shows just the slightest hint of cleavage. Her olive skin looks a little more tan than usual and the pink on her shirt matches her naturally pink lips and cheeks. Man, she’s breathtakingly beautiful even in her casual clothes. I notice her sit up straighter and she appears to be choosing her words carefully.
“Well,” she begins “we had a nice time last Friday and I didn’t want that awkward next morning conversation.”
“What? Are you serious right now?”
“Yes, I’m serious. Imagine if I had stayed, how would our conversation had gone in the morning? Steve, we barely know each other. We were both drunk and you’re my bosses friend and client. Why not just call it what it was? A one night stand.” She pauses and cocks her head to the side, taking another sip of her beer while evaluating before she says, “A really, really good one night stand.”
Well at least that question is answered. She thought it was really good. I can’t help my satisfied smile as I take another drink of beer.
“A one night stand? Isn’t that only when you never see the other person again? As you mentioned I’m Scott’s friend and client. Therefore, were bound to keep running into each other, Leah. Now, come to find out our kids are in the same class so were going to see each other even more. I don’t understand. I wasn’t that drunk and I had thought both of us enjoyed ourselves.”
I can feel all of the frustration of the week start to boil in my veins with this statement of a question. I hate how stupid I feel blurting this all out. I feel like the clingy one being blown off but I can’t seem to help it.
“First, Steve, you need to calm down.”
While I’m not a fan of this maternal patronizing, it makes me realize that my hands are clenched on the table. She just stares, with her scary lawyer scowl, until I sit back and take a deep breath before she continues.
“Second, as previously mentioned, I did have a very good time.”
She’s going into lawyer mode. I can see the wheels spinning as she puts her forehead on her hands and tries to sort her thoughts. When she looks back up at me, I think for the first time that there’s a chance she may be just as confused as I am.
“I don’t know why I left, Steve. Maybe it’s because things got really intense really quickly. Maybe it’s because I haven’t been with someone in a really long time. Maybe I panicked because random hookups aren’t something I’m well versed in. Or maybe it’s the fact that we do see each other quite a bit, that you’re my bosses client and friend and that I was slightly embarrassed about how I acted. Is that ok with you?”
She’s speaking in a low stern tone and her eyes narrow at me. “I’m sorry.” I don’t really know what to say. I was so caught up with feeling like it was something I did that I didn’t stop to think about how what it would be like for her.
“I haven’t said anything to Scott. I want you to know that I wouldn’t. I…I just didn’t expect to wake up and you not be there. It caught me off guard.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that. I’m sorry that I left, really Steve.”
Crap. I remember the conversation with Scott where he was nosing around trying to figure out what I needed with Leah. Double crap.
“But, um, Scott did call me yesterday. I think that Kelly told him I was looking for you. I didn’t say anything but he kept pushing trying to figure out why I wanted you. I think that he figured it out, because, well, let’s face it. There probably aren’t a lot of things Scott can figure out more quickly than a “one night stand” as you so affectionately referred to our encounter.”
Her eyes are wide as she stares at me trying to figure out what to say but she takes a deep breath, takes another sip of her beer, and with that our server arrives with our pizza and she calls the kids to the table. With that I know this conversation is over. I could see her close up when I talked about Scott and I know that I won’t get anything else out of her. But there’s so much more that I want to know. I honestly can’t remember ever feeling this, well, desperate for information. She was so reserved in our meeting with Mrs. Withers – I could see that she felt bad and I want to tell her again not to, that it’s not her fault, and that I understand. I want to know what’s up with Ethan’s dad. I want to know why she seems so afraid to open up to me. I want to, just, know her more. Unfortunately, it doesn’t appear today is the day for that.
7 Leah
On the car ride home Ethan is abnormally quiet, leaving me to think about what is happening with my life right now. I decide to focus on the most important part of my life, the part I now feel like I’m slowly losing control over – my son. It is now becoming more clear that Ethan needs his dad around. This thing between him and Abby is so unlike him and I know it’s a phase but I wish I had more help. I wish I had somebody to go to when I am out of answers.
When we get home Ethan goes straight to his room and closes the door. Him doing this is just as unlike him as the silent ride home. I lightly tap on the door and open it to find him lying on his bed with his face towards the wall. I walk over and sit on the edge and brush my fingers across his head moving his hair out of his face.
“Ethan, baby, can you tell me what’s wrong?” I ask him quietly, looking him in the eye.
“It’s not fair mom! Why isn’t my dad here? Why does he have to stay in London? Why doesn’t he want to see me more?” he asks with a tremble in his voice. I had a feeling this was why he was so quiet on the way home tonight.
Seeing Abby with Steve is making him miss Joseph. I can’t help but wonder if Steve is having the same conversation with Abby at this very moment.
“Honey, your daddy has a very import job in London and if he could be here more then he would. I hope you know he loves you with all of his heart and wishes he didn’t have to be away from you. How about we call him first thing in the morning?”
“Why can’t we call him now?” and the thought perks him up a little.
“We can’t call tonight because it’s after midnight where daddy lives and I’m sure he’s asleep.”
“Ok mom but please, please promise we will call him as soon as I wake up.”
“I promise. Now go get in the tub and I’ll get us some ice cream.”
When Ethan goes into the bathroom I pick up the phone to call Joseph. I don’t care if it’s after midnight, I’m sure he’s not sleeping. He sleeps less than anybody else I’ve ever met in my life. After five rings I’m about to hang up when he answers.
“Leah, love, how are you?” he asks and his smooth accent gets me immediately, almost making me forget why I called. I know it may sound shallow, but it was the first thing that attracted me to him and no matter how mad I may get at him actually hearing him speak always manages to calm me down just a little bit. It reminds me of the friend I once had in him, the best friend I miss so terribly.
“I’m well, Joseph. You’re son however is in desperate need of some father-son time. He’s been having some trouble with the kids at school.” I decide that the pulling the band-aid off quickly, jump in head first approach is the best fit for this conversation. I’m talking in just above a whisper because I don’t want Ethan to hear me. I want to mention my plan to Joseph before I say anything to Ethan. I need to make sure that he is okay with his son coming to stay with him for little while this summer and start planning it. I’m fairly certain that Joseph wouldn’t say no but I don’t want to mention it to my son and get his hopes up just in case it won’t work out.