Love Confessed Page 12

  “There's nothing you can say that will make up for what you've done. You didn't even call. I can't... I don't... Ugh! I don't want to talk about this now. And what the hell do you still have this picture up for?" I'm so angry at him. Thinking about how in love with him I was and how much he hurt me has me trying to decide whether I want to start crying or throw something at him. I remember it so vividly that just thinking about it now, I feel every bit as broken and abandoned as I felt that day when I realized he’d gone home. Finally he steps towards me and stops looking at me, like I may turn into a crazy person at any second.

  "Jesus, Leah! I was in love with you and it scared the shit out of me." He bursts out. I can't move. All I can do is stare at him. I knew we had become close friend and I thought maybe since he was leaving that he just wanted sex before he never saw me again. Unfortunately, for him I was super fertile and became a part of the less that one percent of women who get pregnant when using a condom. He was in love with me? Is he still? How do I feel about this? What about Steve? All these questions keep circulating in my mind and all I can do is stare. "How could you not have known? I know that doesn't excuse my actions but we were young and... I don't know... I acted poorly. I didn't know how you would take that bit of information so I always just pretended that this conversation was something we could avoid."

  I can tell he's nervous. He runs his hand through his dirty blonde hair again but this time he won't make eye contact with me. I turn to check on Ethan who is fortunately still completely absorbed in the game in front of him.

  "Why couldn't you have told me that six years ago?" I ask him, still looking at Ethan, my voice barely a whisper trying to not let the tears I feel welling up start spilling out. I sound every bit as broken as this conversation is making me feel.

  "I’ve spent the last six years wishing that I had but I'm telling you know. Leah, I've loved you for a very long time. I know that at one point you felt the same..." I finally turn back around to see him staring into my eyes and I can see the hope in them. “Please, please tell me what I can do to bring that back. Please tell me, Leah, what I can do to fix us.”

  "You're right, Joseph. I did love you. But I've met someone now. I really like him and Ethan does to. And honestly, I don’t even know how to process this conversation."

  "What?! You've brought another man around my son and you haven't bothered to discuss it with me. We talked about this, Leah. I know you have him all of the time so it’s only natural you’d have to introduce him to someone first but I really thought you would have told me before you did it. It’s that serious?" I can’t tell if the hurt on his face is because he feels betrayed that I’ve introduced his son to another man without telling him or because of the fact that I’m dating another man right now, when he’s finally worked up the courage to tell me that he loves me. I rub my face and sigh. Why didn’t I start this conversation after I’d had my coffee? Bad move, Leah.

  “Well, he’s the father of one of Ethan’s friends from school so yes, Ethan has met him. His introduction to your son had everything to do with his school and nothing to do with us dating or having feelings for one another. I didn’t tell you about him because I don’t know if it’s serious yet but honestly Joseph, it’s none of your business so just settle yourself down please.”

  "Well I still would've liked to have known who was coming around my son. I know you still care about me Leah and I want you to always know how much I love you. I'll never stop. I’m sorry it took so long for me to tell you." He brushes his fingertips across my cheek and leans in to kiss me. I'm so weak when it comes to Joseph. He's the only man I’ve ever truly loved and being in this close of proximity to him leave me helpless.

  "Dad, you have to see what I just did!" Ethan yells right before our lips touch and I am so grateful to my son in this moment that I could just squeeze him. Whew.

  * * *

  Over the next few days I spend most of my time on my own leaving Ethan and Joseph to their boy bonding time. Even though Ethan will be here practically the whole summer, I think it’s important that they start now so that when I leave it’s not as hard on Ethan to be without me. I’ve visited a couple of museums and shopped at an outdoor market and on Carnaby Street. It’s been amazing. I’m not used to this much free time. Usually when I’m not with Ethan I am working and vice versa, so after a few hours alone I always find myself thinking about Steve and also about Joseph’s confession.

  I really like Steve. He’s a perfect mix of kind and manly at the same time. He’s far from grizzly camoflauged manly but even his very most polished, dressed in a tux there’s an undeniably masculine air about him. He gives off the air of a protector and exudes an energy I can’t think to describe any way besides hunter gatherer. He’s built a really good business and he’s a great dad from what I have seen so far. He’s also been really good with Ethan. I’ve started catching myself envisioning a life with us together, all four of us, and the thoughts make me smile.

  Then Joseph has to go and tell me he’s still in love with me. He’s loved me since college? What the fuck? I’m still so mad at him. If he would have told me this six years ago, we could have been together. We would have been together. If I would have known he’d invited me to move to London because he actually wanted me there instead of inviting me out of some moral obligation then I would have found a way to move to London so that we could be together. I know my grandma wouldn’t have moved with me but I think we would’ve found a way to make it work. I loved him for so long that I’m not sure if I stopped entirely. I don’t think I’m still in love with him but I’m still really confused. I don’t know that one ever really stops loving the father of their child.

  It doesn’t help that Joseph is the only man I could ever be with who my Grandpa met. They knew each other such a short time but they were two of a kind and while I’m sure that Gramps would have liked Steve, I’ll never know. That bond, that part of my relationship with Joseph and Gramps is another one of the reasons I think it’s so hard to let these feelings go. Up until Joseph shared this recent bit of information with me I didn’t care what he did with his life as long as it didn’t affect Ethan negatively but now I honestly don’t know what I think about anything .

  On Thursday, I visit Big Ben and feeling a little giddy to be going back to the States, I send Steve a selfie of me with Big Ben in the back saying Hey. Almost time for me to come home. Would you like to go on a date with me on Saturday?

  He replies almost instantly and it surprises me. Can’t wait, beautiful.

  It’s a simple answer but it’s full of promise. As I read it again, I realize that I can’t wait either.

  14 Steve

  Man, this week has been a blast. I realized that Abby is so much stronger than I give her credit for. She was feeding animals, cooking with mom, cleaning the barn out with dad, and helping Sarah decorate the nursery. For the first time, I just sat back and watched both surprised and proud of my baby girl. She’s growing up. My baby isn’t a baby anymore; she’s turning into a little girl or a young lady, rather, and I don’t think I’m ready for it. She’s not just growing physically; she’s also apparently developing new powers of insight because she hasn’t stopped pestering me about Leah. While I would have been able to brush it off and distract her insistent questioning a year ago, even six months ago, I seem to be having no such luck now. I could probably handle it if Abby was the only one that I had to talk to about it, since I’m still trying to figure out how I feel. Ha. Well, not exactly. More like while I’m trying to figure out exactly how far I’ve fallen.

  The thing is though, that it’s not just Abby. No, it’s my whole fucking family. The morning after I told mom I’d met somebody and tried to politely evade all further interrogation, I walk out onto the front porch with my coffee and dad pats me on the back and tells me congratulations. Congratulations? We’re not getting married. We’re not engaged. I’m not even sure we’re actually dating. Apparently to my family though, the slightest chance t
hat there may be an end in sight to my perpetual bachelordom is cause for congratulations. If that isn’t ridiculous enough, my mother is trying to get Leah’s phone number from me so that she can call and invite her over to celebrate Thanksgiving at my house with my entire family. I don’t know that much about Leah yet but I’ve gotten the vibe that our childhoods were pretty dissimilar. My family scares me sometimes so I don’t think I’m quite ready to expose her to this circus. But the more I think about it, I could see her there with us too. I could see her talking with my mom while they had a glass of wine and cooked in the kitchen. I could see Ethan playing football in the yard with my brothers, Abby, and I. I could see it working. I really could. Fortunately though, Seth’s constant razzing has snapped me out of that daydream a sufficient number of times to extinguish any pipe dreams about that not being a horribly embarrassing experience. Knowing Leah, she’d jump right onto the band wagon and give me a hard time right along with them, so we’ll go ahead and try to delay any plans for that experience happening in the near future.

  It’s really unnerving the amount of times I’ve thought about Leah while I’ve been home. With the time difference she’s often going to bed when I’m getting up and even waking up to a simple, Hey You. Good Morning text is enough to put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. Every time my phone buzzes, which often because my phone is my lifeline for work (and even though I’m on vacation I’m really not) I hope that it’s her. Everybody else probably thinks I’m a dick this week because I’m pretty sure that my disappointment is evident when it’s not her and, well, it makes me a dick. Fortunately that hasn't happened all too much though because we’ve actually texted quite a bit, even sent a few pictures back and forth while she’s been away. I think she needed this vacation. I know that on top of being a single mom, she works her ass off at the firm, and she looks a little bit lighter in the last picture she sent. She’s always quite possibly the hottest woman I know, but she looks even sexier now. Well rested. Casual. Even more fuckable. Damn, one week away and I already feel like an addict going through withdrawals.

  That is the reason that today, on Friday, I’m not sad to leave. Abby is staying here two more weeks and I think she’s ready for me to go too, ready for me to leave so my family can spoil her. Leah gets home tonight and while I’d really like to see her then, I know she’ll be jet lagged and want to sleep so I’m really pretending not to mind that I won’t see her until tomorrow night. I’m also trying to act like it doesn’t bother me that, after the surprise I pulled off for her with the restaurant on our last date (well our first date) she wants to surprise me this time. Not only am I a control freak - always needing to be in charge, be the boss, know what is and will happen, and that’s the way I like it - I also feel this inherent need to spoil her, to surprise her, to worship her and also to protect her.

  While I see in her the same kind heart that I loved about Janie, she’s totally different in so many ways. Janie was passive, was submissive - not about sex but more about life. I took the lead and she gladly followed it. That’s how she felt most comfortable, with me guiding and protecting her. I don’t know how that will work with Leah. She didn’t fight it when I surprised her, or when I’ve taken the lead in bed, but I think it may be more of a give and take in dominance than I’ve ever experienced. I don’t know how to give up control, but she’s worth learning for. I’m sure of that already, I’m just not as sure of how to start.

  With this train of thought, I realize now exactly how totally screwed I am. I’m home, and this is basically all I’ve thought about. For three hours. What the hell am I going to do?

  Thankfully we left the house in enough of a rush that there’s more than enough to keep me busy for the rest of the night. I don’t know exactly when Leah is getting in, just that it’s tonight. I offered to pick her up, but she very politely and decidedly declined. I catch myself being anxious, worrying about her a little bit when I know she’s in the air. She must already know me well enough to know that I am worried because when I step out of my post workout shower and check my phone (which I now do as much as a sixteen year old girl) I have a text from her.

  Hey Handsome, I’m home. Still see you tomorrow? Handsome? That’s the first time she’s called me that and I like it.

  Thx for letting me know. Of course. What time should I pick you up?

  Her reply, No sir, my turn. I’ll pick you up at 6. Goodnight…

  I hold my phone and contemplate a reply but I get the feeling that the conversation is over. I’m suddenly too excited about tomorrow to be disappointed at not seeing her tonight.

  Once again I change my clothes a ridiculous amount of times before I settle on loafers, jeans, and a long sleeve white and blue striped button down shirt. It may be a little warm for a Chicago summer, but not knowing what we’re doing, it seemed like the most versatile choice. I have a new sympathy for the women I’ve surprised on dates before. They have a million more wardrobe choices, it has to be that much harder for them. Maybe I should send apology emails because while this is exciting, they probably also kind of think that I’m a jack ass for it.

  At 6:05 Leah knocks on my door and I fling it open. Wow, a little bit too fast. Ugh, I’ve gotta get my shit together. My enthusiasm doesn’t escape her notice either.

  “Little eager there buddy?” she smirks.

  “Shut up,” I pout in an admittedly unmasculine matter before pulling her in for a kiss.

  “Mmm…Hello to you too.”

  Her eyes are still closed when I admit “I’ve waited a really long time to do that.” With my hand still in her back pocket, she turns and I follower her out to a shiny black Rubicon. Wow. She just got even more sexy. The Jeep suits her, too. As I follows her with her hair in a sleek ponytail, cuffed jeans, a loose but tailored, collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up and three silver buttons unbuttoned enough to reveal just a little more than a hint of cleavage. On her feet are - wait, what are those? Miniature boots? Half boots? Booties? Well, whatever they are, she looks sexy. My excitement about whatever she has in store is causing my apprehension over not being in control to dissipate ever so slightly.

  “You look amazing, Leah.”

  “Thanks Steve, you don’t look so bad yourself.” She smiles over at me in the car. I’m already absurdly fond of that smile and how it makes her eyes twinkle. I also love how comfortable she already is with me, able to joke and tease like we’ve known each other forever. “How is it being back in the city?”

  “It’s good, the house is lonely without Abby. I think a little break will be nice but I have no idea what I’m going to do going this long without her, honestly.” I admit as I run my hands through my hair.

  “Yea, I understand that. I had to have the tv on at my place today because it was too quiet without Ethan. I didn’t like it. I mean he has sleepovers, he’ll even go to my grandma’s or sisters for a week or two during the summer but he’s never been away like this. I think knowing that he’ll be away so long, and that he’s an entire ocean away, makes it even more lonely.”

  “True story. I can keep you company though…” I offer with a mischievous smile while I put my hand on her thigh, just a little bit higher than I know I should.

  “I was kind of counting on that” she smiles back at me, matching my evil grin, and before I know it we’re parking.

  “Wait, where are we?” I ask as we pull into a parking lot in front of a sleek, modern, industrial office with a large parking lot behind it as well. I think it’s a parking lot but it’s the kind of chain link fence you can’t see through so I can’t tell for sure.

  “You’ll see,” she says as she steps out of the car.

  I have no idea what we’re doing and my excitement catches me off guard. Before now, I was too busy being apprehensive at the idea of being surprised to really get excited. I grab her hand as we walk into the offices and the girl at the receptionist desk smiles her obligatory smile at us. “Good Evening, How may I help you?”

  �
��Hi, I’m Leah Collins. I have a 6:30 appointment.”

  “Absolutely Ms. Collins, have a seat please and we’ll get you set up.”

  The office is completely non descript, not giving away any clues to it’s purpose and the smile on Leah’s face tells me she’s enjoying the fact that this is starting to drive me crazy. I’m about to try to weasel the plan out of her. When a man in a suit walks up to us hand extended - “Hello Mr. and Mrs. Collins,” he says with his French accent and we glance at each other out of the corner of our eyes, trying not to laugh at this recurring mistake, “ it looks like tonight we have the newest Porsche 918 Spyder, a 1957 Ferrari 250 TR, and a new McLaren 650s Coupe for you to drive the track with. Oui, no?”

  “Oui, c’est parfait,” she beams and looks up at me – I’m pretty sure I’m wearing my very obviously stupid surprised face.

  “Right this way then,” he leads us away smiling, clearly happy at being responded to in his native tongue. I’m stuck in my step for a quick second observing this exchange and slowly, very slowly process what it is that we’re doing. This is the date she planned? Driving awesome cars around a racetrack?! It’s over, I’m done, I just might have to marry this girl.

  15 Leah

  He likes it! He really, really likes the date. The whole idea was kind of a shot in the dark – we don’t know each other well and we’ve never even talked about cars. Driving these classic cars is something I’ve always wanted to do. I was pretty sure that he would too. I mean, what sexy man wouldn’t like to drive equally sexy cars?! He likes it so much that when he figured out what’s happening he stops in his tracks and just stares after Monsieur Piroux and I as we walk towards the track, I smile inside. Well, I probably smile outside too because I’m really proud of myself and kind of embarrassingly giddy.