Love Confessed Page 3

  The wedding is actually how the start of J&S Production came about. Janie was pre-med at Columbia and jumped straight into her over-achiever course load. She was excited to get married, but was so focused on school that she just didn’t have time to plan a wedding. So the wedding planning was up to me. She asked if I’d mind – in high school I ended up planning most of the big parties we all had at my parents’ barn – and I didn’t even have to think. I’d loved planning those parties, I loved planning the gigs for my college football team and planning a party to celebrate my love for Janie was something I had never thought about being the one to do but couldn’t wait to start on once she asked. There were some things I needed her feminine touch for, but planning our wedding in the city was the foundation for our business.

  When my daughter was born and Janie died, not only did a piece of me die but I had to learn all over again how to function in life without her. At the time it seemed like an insurmountable feat, but I learned a little more every day.

  Still, it is hard sometimes to be a good person without her, but I try. I try to live up to the man she believed me to be, the man she knew I could become. Since her passing, my focus has been developing the business and building the comfortable life she supported me so greatly in creating for our daughter.

  * * *

  Scott shakes my hand and slaps my back when he walks out to the reception area to greet me. It’s been a couple of months since I have seen him so our first order of business is catching up. We make our way down the long hall to his office and I settle myself in his oversized chair on the visitor side of his desk. He presses a button and a full bar flips around from behind the wall that is behind his desk towards the windows. He offers me a Scotch from his vintage collection and I graciously accept.

  “How have things been?” he asks as he fills my shifter.

  “Can’t complain. Things have been busy at work. Went on a date last week. You know same old, same old.” I reply.

  “Really… was she hot? Did you get lucky?”

  “Scott, you’re such an ass. You’ll never change, which is probably why you’ve been divorced three times. But yes, I did get lucky. Thanks for asking…” I reply as I hold my glass up in a very frat boy cheers.

  “All right, man! So what do you think, she a keeper? Well, at least for a few dates?” he asks. No matter how much of an ass hole I may feel like when I’m drinking with Scott, he always manages to be more of an ass and make me feel just a little better about myself.

  “You’re strangely excited about my sex life.” I say as I raise an eyebrow at him but then admit, “No, you know I’m not looking for anything serious. ”

  “I’m just happy to see you getting out there. This is literally your second date this year and we’re already in May. No man should deprive himself like that. Anyway, let’s get down to business, how’s our party coming along? Anything you need? Was Jo able to change the menu up? ”

  “I’m happy with it being just Abby and I. The big night is coming along just fine. And yea, Jo was able to add that last minute request you had with the catering company, no problem. We were able to get the extra tables, they said they can add the additional plates. I’m sure you’ll now have enough of a sea to choose a fine fish for the evening, even though I’m not sure that an extra fifty guests was necessary for the one night stand I think you’re shooting for. I just need for you to show up at six on Friday and try not to set me up.”

  “Not promising anything.” He says with his crooked smile. “Don’t judge. I’m shopping for you too, my friend…”

  “See you Friday, man.” I say as I shake my head at him. With that I stand up and shake his hand to leave.

  As I walk down the hall towards the reception area, I see Leah coming towards me with her face buried in papers, not even watching where she’s going. I haven’t decided if she’s a snobby little rich girl, who has had everything handed to her or if she’s just a hard worker and is always too busy to actually give me more than two seconds of her time. I’ve always been curious about her, she’s always caught my attention and today feels as good as any to try to figure her out. I make it a point to walk in her path. I just want to get a little closer. Get her attention somehow. I don’t know why I’ve always been afraid to talk to her until now. That’s not at all like me.

  There’s something about her - I’d never gotten more than a casual greeting when passing in the halls, but today I just want to look into those crystal clear blue eyes for once. I get closer, expecting her to look up from the papers she’s studying intently. But when we’re two steps away, I’m still waiting for her to look up, to notice I’m walking towards her, to react to the person she has to feel coming right up on her. I know that I should move over or say something to stop her, but for some reason, I don’t. Or I can’t. At the exact moment that I am battling this internal dilemma, trying to get my mouth to stop her or my feet to move to the other side of the hall, Scott leans out of his office door and yells to me.

  “Hey Steve, remember, no promises for Friday. And you’re welcome!” That second that I turn around to shake my head at Scott, Leah looks up but not before running right into my chest and scattering her papers across the hall.

  When she looks up, I vaguely hear her mumble something but I’m not really paying attention because I’m mesmerized by her. Looking into those big blue eyes, even bigger in her look of sheer terror as she stares up at me, I feel like I can see into her soul. She’s absolutely beautiful, more stunning than I’ve ever gotten close enough to notice before. Making her even more attractive is the blush of her skin that tells me she’s thoroughly embarrassed.

  I froze when Leah ran into me. I knew who she was, we’d passed in the halls of the firm or seen each other around town at community functions, but we’d never said more than a word or two in all the years we’ve been running into one another. Also, we’ve never run into each other quite like this before. Never before had we had more physical contact than a quick handshake that had always left me wondering if I was crazily imagining feeling a spark from a mundane means of physical contact – something that I do twenty times a day. This contact left no question. There were definitely sparks, and I definitely wasn’t the only one to feel them.

  God, she smells good. Sweet, like flowers in bloom mixed with a little hint of her fabric softener. She is beautiful, no doubt about it, but she’d always seemed standoff-ish towards me. She always avoided eye contact, and I couldn’t figure out if she was just aloof or bordering on bitchy. Maybe because of the workload - I’m sure her job, and doing her job working for Scott, was exhausting. Or maybe she was a spoiled little rich girl? She always seemed like she had the potential to be nice enough but she never quite executed it. She is beautiful in a flawless, classic, pearl-wearing, private school attending, trust fund perfect kind of way.

  She has shiny, perfectly coifed chestnut hair - never one hair out of place. She dressed perfectly - in a way that is professional and simple but has just the slightest hint of sensuality. A frill that borders on rebellion – like today when she’s wearing a charcoal pencil skirt with a black fitted buttoned shirt unbuttoned just low enough to make me notice. I also notice the oversize pearl stud earrings and double stranded pearl necklace she’s wearing. Did she do that on purpose, or am I just such a pervy old man these days that I see sex everywhere? Maybe it’s time to drink less with Scott. I’m starting to think that he’s a bad influence.

  Usually Leah wears tall stilettos that made her legs look like they go on for miles. Today though, today she wears flats. I don’t think I’d ever seen her wear them before. Her being tall, almost able to look me in the eye is unquestionably sexy. It make her seem more confidant and assertive, like she knows who she was and she wears her skin well. But it was the perfect day to wear flats because when she ran into me, she ran right into my chest and before I could think about it I grabbed her waist to steady her and my head was in her hair until she looked up at me…fuck. What a look. I’m su
re it was only a second but I felt like we looked at each other for an hour. I can’t remember the last time I looked at somebody like that, felt a spark like that. Her being in flats made her seem so much smaller. Even though I know she’s tough enough to hold her own, the second I touch her she seems more fragile than I ever imagined and I want to hold her tight and keep her safe.

  No. I don’t even know this girl, this girl whose never taken longer than two seconds to acknowledge me. I just can’t help but think in that second, minute, hour, however long it was, that maybe she doesn’t hate me. Maybe she noticed me too? Maybe she isn’t a snob, maybe she is just shy? Or reserved for some reason? She broke the look as soon as she could and wouldn’t even look my direction when I tried to hand her the papers she’d scattered, but it was the longest minute I’d had in, well, I don’t know how long. I am not one of those guys who are afraid to be emotional but being both mom and dad to my six year old daughter as well as losing her mom, my high school sweetheart, has taught me not to rattle easy. I like to be in control. This feeling, feeling like I’m spinning out of control in that moment, like I don’t know what’s happening, is one I can do without.

  But just a minute later it’s over; Leah practically runs back to her office, Scott walks back into his office laughing, and I walk back out to my truck. Off to the next meeting then back to my office. It’s May - the perfect season for high profile weddings, graduation parties for spoiled private school rich kids in the city, summer concert season is starting, and I am swamped. I know I have to leave but I do so on autopilot because ever instinct I have tells me to walk straight into Leah’s office.

  By Wednesday I still can’t get Leah off of my mind. I’m pretty sure Abby has noticed my attention being elsewhere and has a huge melt down. Since I have the Sanders and Smith party on Friday, she is going to stay with her grandma this weekend. She’s usually an easygoing kid and every time she’s started acting out in the past I could just give her a look. With that look, she would laugh and suddenly everything would be ok. But this time is different I – I try the look and…nothing. Man, sometimes I feel like I’m in over my head trying to raise a girl on my own. I don’t understand them at all. Her mother always just told me when things were wrong and I would fix it or at least try. Unfortunately for me, six year olds aren’t quite so forthcoming with helpful information about their feelings. Abby either has be wrapped around her little finger and looks at me like she knows it, or she looks at me like I’m an alien speaking some sort of Martian to her. I think we need to work on our in-between.

  “No Dad! I don’t want to go to grandma’s house!” she yells and then burst into tears, crumbling into a heap on the kitchen floor.

  “Well I’m sorry Abby, but I have adult things going on this weekend and I need for you to stay at grandma’s house. Plus you haven’t seen her in over a month. So please stop with this fit.”

  “Why daddy? Why do you have to leave me? Please daddy.” she sobs. “Don’t make me go.” I sit down on the kitchen floor next to her.

  “Abby, honey, what’s going on with you? You have never not wanted to go stay with Grandma. Can you talk to me, please? Tell me what’s wrong so I can fix it. I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me.” I explain on her level, with her perfect little face in my hands so I can look right into her eyes.

  I must look really desperate because, as I watch her calm herself down, I can see the look of sadness and empathy in her eyes. After several minutes of just looking at each other she climbs into my lap, looks up and says,

  “A boy at school has been picking on me. He said I don’t have a mommy. He pushes me and yesterday he wouldn’t let me look at his Iron Man.”

  “I’m sorry baby. Boys can be mean sometimes. You do have a mommy she just watches over you from heaven. Did you say anything back to him?”

  It’s hard to not let her see how this breaks my heart. I know kids can be cruel, but to tease a girl because she doesn’t have a mom seems ridiculous.

  “I told him he didn’t have a daddy because he doesn’t and some of the kids tease him about it. Neither of us have parents who come to class like the other kids. It makes me sad to see the other girls with their mommies,” she confesses.

  “Well, I know your feelings were hurt honey but that still wasn’t very nice of you to say that to him, even if he said it first,” I reprimand her, even though I don’t want to. Even though I want to tell her to kick his ass if he ever says something like that to her again. “Sometimes, honey, kids don’t have both parents, sometimes the parents don’t live together and some kids do have both parents. We all come from different backgrounds and it’s not nice to tease each other about it. Unfortunately, baby, most parents have to work. I really do wish I could come to your class more often. Next time he’s mean to you I want you to stand up for yourself and tell him that he’s being mean. Tell him he needs to stop and if that doesn’t work you need to tell your teacher. Now are you going to be ok to go to grandma’s this weekend?”

  “Yes daddy, I’ll be okay. I love you.” as she says she wraps her arms around my neck and kisses my cheek.

  “I love you too sweetheart.” I love it when she hugs me tight, like she never wants to let me go. Her gentleness reminds me of her mother and it makes my heart hurt sometimes.

  Thursday I miss picking Abby up from school because I’m working late trying to tie up all my loose ends before the weekend. Today is my Friday so I have all of my normal get ready for the weekend schedule prep and plan approval on top of getting ready for tomorrow’s Sanders and Smith event. I try my hardest to pick Abby up as often as possible and to not miss any of the big moments in her life, even more so because I’m both mom and dad.

  Today I don’t feel as bad for missing pick up because Grandma is picking her up. After last night’s meltdown was resolved, Abby can’t wait to be picked up by her favorite person. I love that she’s so close to my mom, and fortunate that they live close enough to spend so much time together. I can’t always go to the farm with Abby and I miss her like crazy when she’s gone but I know that the time away from the city is good for her not only because of the fresh air, the animals and the different, slower way of life but also because she gets to spend time with the warm, caring, gentle woman that is my mother. A grandmother is obviously an important role model to a young girl anyway, but with Abby’s mom not being here, Grandma is her idol and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have to admit, she’s kind of stayed my idol too. She has that effect on people.

  Normally I am equally excited to see my mom but this time I am dragging my day out as long as possible because if Abby has picked up on my distraction, mom will too. I’m pretty sure I won’t get off as easy with her either and I’m not ready for the mom inquisition. I don’t know that I ever will be. Not because she wouldn’t be open to the idea of me being in a serious relationship, but because it’s an idea she likes to push. She loved Janie like the daughter she’d never had but she also likes to point out that I am still young She wants me to be happy, to have somebody to help take care of Abby, to have another person for me to come home to at night. Mom also likes to remind me of how Janie only ever wanted for me to be happy and how she’d hate to see me be lonely. I know my mom is right but unfortunately that doesn’t make moving on any easier for me.

  I’ve lost count of the phone calls I’ve gotten from my mom about people she has run into from high school who were now single that I might possibly be interested in. I also try to block out the pictures of church women’s group she sends with a brief dialogue about all single women included into the email. The one that takes the cake though would have to be the phone call I got from my first girlfriend, in junior fucking high, because my mom gave her my phone number last year.

  So yea, tonight will be a late night.

  My night ends up being later than anticipated though, when there is a last minute parking conflict due to another event in the facility adjacent to the Sanders and Smith event tomorrow. I called m
y mom to let her know that I won’t be home until late this evening. I shouldn’t be surprised by the sight when I get home but I still am. Mom is finishing up cleaning the kitchen, which I’d made sure to clean before she came to town. So I walk around the corner to peek in the fridge and freezer to find that they are both full of a handful of my favorite perfectly prepared and labeled meals. Jesus. I don’t think she knows how to sit down, but I appreciate all of the kind things she does for me, all of the time she still continues to sacrifice willingly to make mine and Abby’s life just a little bit easier. I walk over and give her a bear hug, which now having a child I love myself, I know to be the best feeling in the world.

  The distraction I was worried about my mom seeing is masked by my exhaustion from the long day, and, after a short chat mom and I both head upstairs and part ways. She is picking Abby up from school tomorrow and taking her to the farm. I will be making sure everything is in order for the party and probably, by that point in the evening, be enjoying an ice cold beer with Scott. I have the strange feeling though that I’ll be drinking that beer and trying to look nonchalant while I scan the room for any sight of Leah. She’s been in and out of my head all week and I just can’t figure her out. I can’t figure out if what I saw in her eyes was desire. I can’t figure out why the fact that she smelled like fresh flowers ignited all my senses but I am more than a little curious to figure it out. I need to e close to her again.

  3 Leah